Be Still
by amandavices
Summary: "Our love was like vines." Clare's life isn't so perfect anymore, and she only has so much time. Eclare. Please read and rate!
1. Vines

**Hi! This is my first fanfiction, be kind please! **

**Read and rate as well, please :)**

**twitter: amandaleveille**

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><p>Our love was like vines. It intruded through every pore, every flaw and grew. It entangled us together, it turned us dangerous. One couldn't touch us without feeling an itch. Itch to have we had. The thing about vines though; they restrict us. They suffocate the insides, at points; it felt like my heart was going to fall out my throat. I wasn't myself, I was an us, and that scared me. I was fifteen, I hardly knew who I was on my own, and now I was tied to another person. I was losing myself. The vines hadn't just tangled us, they engulfed us.<p>

I ripped free, and started breathing. But my other half was struggling. My other half was just a half, as was I, and without me, he felt like he was nothing. I couldn't tell him he was far from it. I was scared of the vines. I was scared of our love.

It wasn't long before the air was too sharp for my weak lungs. I couldn't breathe this air, not on my own. I tried, I tried so hard, but it was only so long before I realized that while I untangled myself, my other half had as well. And he could breathe without me.

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><p>"<em>So what's wrong with me?" I tried to laugh at first, but ended up in a sigh, my mother gripping my hand. I was lying on back on the chair looking at the lights, praying somehow I would turn blind and not see the look of pity on the doctor's face. I knew what was wrong. Birth defect, and I knew my chances of living were slim, as I drowned out the noise and watched the sadness cloud the room. Breathe in, breathe out. <em>

"_I'm so sorry Clare," I heard over my struggles to complete a simple task, "I will do whatever it takes."_

"_Hm?" I murmured, I wasn't focusing on what was going on. I had only heard the 5 words that mattered now._

"_Clare needs a heart transplant."_

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><p>"Clare," I turned softly towards the repeating sound. Clare; bright, famous.<p>

"Was it a dream?" I say half-heartedly – ha, punny. I clenched the pounding in my chest, looking up at the sad eyes that greeted me. Not green, never green.

"No." Jake sighed, helping me up.

"Jake what's with you acting so sad? It's like someone is dying!" I joke as he helps me into a chair. He rolls me down the hallway, and helps me again as I get into the bathroom. He doesn't know how to joke with me anymore. I was dying. "I'll be okay," I try, smiling for my step-brother.

"I know. I'm praying for you everyday."

"I'm not. It's hard to believe in God when he's forcing me to six feet under. 'All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring**. **We must never**, **ever beboring'" I quote maliciously, my heart aching as memories seep into my mind. It's been months since I've seen him. Hardly anyone knew about my condition, I doubted he wanted to know. I bet he would be happy to see me now. Weak, fragile… dying. I'm sorry, it's such a harsh word. I'm trying to cope, and come to terms by saying it. Dying, there, not so hard.

I gritted my teeth, thinking of him made my head swirl. I missed him. The transplant list was miles long, and I wasn't so important. I was as good as dead. Whoa, too soon, I thought, flinching at my own thoughts.

"Jake. I need a favor."

"Anything." There desperation in his breath, pity in his eyes.

_Eli._

"I need to see Eli."


	2. Oceans

**Filler chapter. Very short! I'll hopefully update again tonight.**

**Thank you so much for reading! Don't forget to rate! :)**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Degrassi, Eclare would be kissing on every episode. Are they? No.**

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><p>Blue. It's all that surrounded me at one point. I was drowning in the ocean, treading in dangerous waters. Never moving towards land, always staying in place, I was treading. She was the only thing that helped, she showed me how to swim. She told me how to get to land, she taught me everything. I wanted to hold her hand as we swam together, but you need two hands to swim. Or else you'll drown.<p>

I never wanted her to drown. And when I let go, she swam. And I treaded.

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><p>"<em>We are never getting back together." Imogen repeated.<em>

"_You're not helping Imo." I growled._

"_She never cared about you. She'll never care about you the way I do Eli." The way she said my name made my insides churn. I wanted her to burn. But she was right. Clare never cared. Imogen wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me. _

_I should burn._

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><p>I could see through my window a red truck, its sudden appearance near my house causing me to roll out of bed and peer through my window as if I thought she would be inside the car. I snarled in self loathe when I realized how much those fucking blue eyes haunted me, how much I need them. I closed my eyes and walked away from the window, everything inside me felt like it was burning.<p>

I heard three knocks and snapped my head up. I tried not to run to the door, opening it slowly, my heart aching.

"Eli" she spoke, breathless. She was pale, and out of breath from the walk from the car. She looked like she was about to collapse. "Eli, Eli I can't stan-" she fell before me, I reached for her, my hands catching her, and I was suddenly afraid I bruised her fragile self. I knelt down, desperately looking at this beautiful girl, who was complete shaken.

"What's wrong?" I whispered, hearing a car door slam, Jake inching towards the gate looking out for her.

"Eli, I can't, I need you Eli." She sobbed, I let go of her. This was too good to be true.

"You can't do this to me Clare, you can't do this anymore! I went through hell after we broke up." I clenched my jaw trying not to scream at her. "Whatever you came here for, you might as well leave." Tears welled up in those blue eyes I loved so much, and she clenched her chest.

"Eli, I love you." Something was different about this confession though, from the way that I had imagined so many times before. She was struggling to breathe, to make sentences. "Eli. Please. I'm dying."


	3. Burn for Her

Dying.

The word had never been so heart-breaking. I suddenly felt like my world was caving in, collapsing around me were the walls I built up ever so slowly after our break up. I stared at this girl, the one who had been haunting my dreams and watching me burn in my nightmares and in reality, this very moment, I was watching her rot. When I was angry I can't say I didn't wish I could watch her break, but now that it was happening, my heart felt heavy and I couldn't help but curse myself. Did I cause this! Did I somehow wish this upon her? She was crying. Fuck, I made her cry. She's dying and I made her cry. The blue eyes that had trapped me when I first came to Degrassi, the blue eyes that fluttered when I kissed her, were now crying over me. I had dreamed for so long that Clare would beg for me to take her back, crying as I rejected, making her feel worthless for once. Now my nirvana was dying and I could feel myself breaking and my heart swelled with guilt. I loved her.

"You love me?" I choked, Jake inching closer to us. She nodded, her bright eyes dulling as she cried. "What do you mean you're dying?" I bit my tongue to stop myself from crying. I couldn't bare it if she was telling the truth. I didn't want to believe the only light in my life was being snubbed.

"I need a heart transplant. Birth defect," she sighed breathlessly. "I'm not going to get it. Not important enough." She chuckled an empty laugh and I didn't stop myself this time. I was crying, the love of my life just confessed her love for me and she was dying. Everything was burning, and she caressed my face, "It'll be okay Eli. I just… I had to come and tell you how I felt. I had to tell you in person. I was going to write you a letter, but how impersonal would that be!" She laughed again; the most beautiful laugh I had ever heard was going to be gone. I cried harder, and she pulled me closer to her. "I couldn't take it if I passed on without letting you know how I felt. I love you, okay? Everything will be alright."

"Aren't I the one who should be consoling you?" I tried; I tried to be myself for her.

"I think I've cried enough." She smiled at me, pulling my face towards her weakly, and kissed my tears.

"I can't live without you." I wept, gently burying my face in her chest. I heard her heart. Her heartbeat was irregular. "I love you so much." I couldn't say it enough. I stopped crying, wiping my face on my shirt, and picked up this delicate creature. She muttered something against me. "Mm?" I asked, hoping she would repeat herself.

"I need you." She whispered, "I know, I know I'm not in the best shape, but I need you so much. Ever since I found out, all I could think about was that I was going to pass without seeing you again. Please take me back." She was so weak from talking.

"You're the world to me. Everything's going to work out." I can't function, I mean, I was happy and heartbroken at the same time. Clare was mine again, and she was being taken away from me with each breath. I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I knew that now I couldn't. She needed air I so greedily wanted to take away from her.

"We have an expiration date, 1 year. If I don't get a transplant by then, then… then…" She couldn't finish and I wasn't sure I wanted her to. Hearing her say it, it was going to break me all over again. "What about Imogen?" She asked, as I kissed her cheeks, her tears.

"She was attempting the impossible." She laughed, looking up at me curiously. "Helping me get over you," I hinted. She looked down, I lifted her chin, and "I could never," left my throat.

"Me either." We were both beaming, our eyes red from crying. "I should go home. Too much excitement and not too much IV's and meds."

"Okay," I can't say I wasn't disappointed that she was leaving so quickly, "When can I see you again?" I felt like a kid again. What were the rules?

"Anytime. You'll have to keep in touch with Jake and Mom. And me, of course, but they'll tell you what time is best. Jake? Jake, take me home now."

"I love you Clare Edwards." I touched my hand to where her heart is. "I'll give you mine if I have to."

"No. Don't ever say that again, even joking." She kissed where my heart is. "I love you Elijah Goldsworthy." Jake rushed over and helped her walk over to the passenger seat, closing the door for her. I watched from a distance. She waved, and as they drove away I broke down all over again. She was mine again.

She was dying.

I would burn for her.

The phone buzzed in my pocket.

_Hook up again tonight?_

_-Imo_

Fuck.

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><p><strong>Cliffhanger.. I guess. <strong>

**Sorry this is so filler-y. I know it was very quick for them to get together. Don't stress, it was mostly fluff, it'll become more realistic as it goes on, promise.**


	4. Conforntation

_Hi Imo, it's Eli. Yeah I'm breaking up with you because Clare took me back and we still love each other. So this is over. Bye._

Yeah. That sounds good, right? Am I an asshole? No. No I'm not. Imogen knew that what we had was just a rebound for me. I was trying to get over Clare- a lost cause. Clare. Suddenly everything faded, the guilt for I felt for 'dumping' Imogen, the only thing I could think of was the most beautiful creature to ever grace my existence. I felt like my heart was bursting at the seams, exploding as I recalled the words she told me. She loved me, she fucking loved me. I felt complete all at once, my heart swelling with warmth. My phone vibrated and I held a hand to my chest and hoped to God it was Clare. She just left but I needed to see her again. I wanted to make sure she was okay. How was her heart? Fuck. I clutched my chest and remembered how insincere I was being, how I didn't deserve the heart beating inside me when it beat for the girl who needed her own heartbeat.

_I don't give a fuck about Clare. Open your door._

I did as Imogen said, trying to keep composure even though I knew I wouldn't be able to contain the anger and emotions that were brewing from her text. "No one breaks up with me, Eli." She spat at me.

"We were never together. You were just a rebound. You know that." I don't know how else to calm her. I don't really care either.

"Eli, Clare doesn't want you like I do."

"Imogen, you don't know anything."

"She's a fucking cunt, Eli. She doesn't deserve you, she's worthless." Something in me snapped, Imogen kept talking as I pinched my wrists to keep from slapping her. _I don't hit girls, I don't hit girls. _Imogen stopped talking and looked at me. "Eli, are you even listening to me! I said Clare is a whore."

"Shut up! Shut up! You have no idea who Clare is. She is the purest, most beautiful girl I have ever met. If you were even half the girl Clare is, you would never say any of that. If you were even half the girl Clare was, you would have the decency to realize I am completely in love with her. I love her Imogen, I don't love you. At all. Please leave. Now."

"You don't mean that. Clare is manipulating you."

"Clare is dying, Imogen! The love of my life is dying! I love her. I love her so much and she would never intentionally manipulate me the way you have. You are crazy. Get out." This time, I was the one to spit the words in pure rage, how _dare _she say anything bad about Clare.

"I can wait for that bitch to die." Imogen whispered.

"Get the fuck out of my house Imogen. Get the fuck out. Now. And while you're at it, I don't want you in my life ever again. How dare you say something like that at all! You are truly a bitch." And with that, I pushed the crying Imogen out of my house. And out of my life.

Then the phone rang, I let it as I punched my bedroom wall until my rage settled.

"Hi Eli, it's me, Clare. I was just wondering if you wanted to come over tomorrow afternoon and talk. It's nothing bad, so don't be paranoid. Well, I guess I'll wait for you to call me back, I have to tell my mom if you're coming over by tonight. I love you."

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><p><strong>Hi. Oh my poop I am so sorry! I can't believe I put off writing for so long. I promise I will update with a beautiful long chapter tomorrow that will make up up for my terrible negilgence. I love you guys. Don't hate me :3<strong>


	5. Flames

**Clare**

The air was clean. The oxygen so pure, I swear it was suffocating. It hurt to breathe, sharp breaths invaded my lungs, but I didn't care. The blood in my body was pumping electrically, my heart forced the life through me, and I finally felt alive. I could breathe. The only thing I wanted to breathe was Eli and he was finally apart of me again. The skin he touched hours before still were shocked from his touch. I was drowning, but now I was stepping into an electrical fire. No amount of water would put these flames out, not that I wanted it to burn out, I wanted to feel this, I wanted to burn. I needed to see him again. I needed to hear his voice. It had been hours since my confession, barely a day but I couldn't have enough. I wasted too much time as it was; only the Lord knew how much time I had left. I loved him from the start and I will love him to the end.

I hoped I was enough. I was fragile now; I wasn't the machine I was when we were first in love. The fire was once natural, but now I was irregular, I was electric. I hoped I was enough. I can't kiss him as long as I once did. I didn't want him to pretend to make me happy, I wanted him to love me because he did, not because I was dying.

_Panic._

I started to shake; maybe it was a mistake bringing him back into my life. Maybe I shouldn't have told him. Now he feels like he has to love me, he has to pretend. I was dying. I was hindering him. I was a burden. I could feel the pain in my chest build as I silently reveled in the panic that was overtaking me. I could hear the monitor warning me to calm down, I was shaking uncontrollably, I was a fucking burden. My mother and Jake raced up the stairs.

"Clare!" They were all worried about me. I caused them to just worry endlessly.

"Help." I choked. Yes, help me, I'm helpless. Why did I kid myself into thinking Eli would want this? Helpless, pathetic Clare.

_Calm._

Medication was the only thing that could ever love me.

"Let me call Eli." Let me coax the truth out of him. I just want him to live free of this; free of me.

I'm a burden but at least I know it.

**Eli**

Clare. Clare was all I needed to see. My head was spinning from Imogen's harsh words, and all I needed was too see her face, see her smile, and see the blue eyes that taunted me in my dreams for so long. _Mine._ They were mine now; finally mine again. Her voice, the angelic song that was directed toward me, made me want to dance. I was finally happy, she was mine again. Clare Edwards loved me and I loved her. The warmth in me could hardly be contained. I was burning, it didn't hurt one bit. Clare Edwards lit the flame- no, she was the flame. Engulf me, Clare, because I'm nothing without you.

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><p><strong>I know I promised a long chapter, but I was a little bit busy today. I worked on an outline for the chapter after this. Review please? :)<strong>


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